Kiwi... Unleashed!

Irish dancers are right up there with mimes in my book. I think if I ever saw them, I�d have a overwhelmingly strong compulsion to torture and tease them. Poke�em, trip�em, tip�em like sleeping cows, you name it- just to somehow get them to move their arms.
�What? Ya don�t wanna move�em?� (Poke/trip/shove.) �HA! Saw ya move�em, asshole!!!�
(Horrified look on Irish dancer�s face) �But we don�t��
�Save it, Freak- I saw ya do it, and now you will burn in Dancer�s Hell with your arms strapped to your sides for all eternity! Be gone with you and your fellow prancing primadonnas. Rumor has it your papa was a leprechaun and your mama was a Hoover upright. Live with that!�

I could break�em- I know I could. You know they�re not as stoic as the British guards, seeing as the leader of their kind is a overzealous spaz who can�t stand in one place without thrusting out his bound-in-tights, wanna-be-package to save his life. I�m guessing he was one of those kids on the playground who attempted to taunt the other children by telling them, �my mom said I�m the best dancer in our class, so there!� I�m thinking the other kids probably rolled around and laughed hysterically, then responded with a flaming pogo stick permanently implanted in his ass. Now there�s something I�d really like to see- armless tap dancers on fire. Irish flamb�, anyone? Maybe during the performance the stagehands could roll hot lumps of coal onto the stage and we could find out exactly how fast they can hop around.

Yeah, I realize that it takes a lot of training and skill, blah, blah, blah. They are severely annoying, and that�s all there is to it. If whoever it was that said something like, �sex could lead to dancing� had seen these people, they would have wondered what the hell kind of sex they had to initiate this this sort of perverse prancing around. And we know the reverse of that statement isn�t happening, cause I don�t think if you�re dancing like that you�re gonna get laid anytime soon.

I gotta wonder if they are actually able to move their arms at all, even when they aren�t dancing. I suspect that they may, in fact, be a group of people who are physically incapable of upper body movement, in which case I�d kill to see an SNL skit about their personal lives. Picture that one. Maybe they secretly banded together, hired their leader, �King of the Prance� to teach them to tap dance, and then decided to go on tour to share their freakish skill with the world. I know it tops my personal list of shows I�ve got to see. One phone call to Ripley would have saved them a lot of plane tickets, ya know.

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