Kiwi... Unleashed!

The following is an unfortunate continuation of a previous entry, "Tech Support for Tech Support" once again sponsored by the world of sucky-ass dial up internet.

Ooh, what�s this I�ve received in the mail today? Lookie lookie! It�s an upgrade CD for my ISP account! It says that it will block more pop up ads, prevent more spam (I don�t like spam![/monty python]) and make my internet surfing faster and better than it�s ever been before. Hell, the little insect I see on my screen every day might even fly out of my computer monitor and sit on my shoulder like I�m Snow Fucking White. Ah, joy! Now my internet surfing experience will be even more wonderful and enjoyable with this, my brand new upgrade!

So, without futher adieu, I skipped happily to my computer with upgrade CD in hand, popped that bad boy in and prepared to enhance my internet experience and went through all the WhateverInstallation crap. When it was time, I restarted my computer to finish the installation and asked it to connect me to my new and wondrous cyber life. OK, it�s dialing� it�s still dialing� wha? What�s this �disconnected, this computer cannot establish a dial up connection� crap? I tried several more times. Nothing. Nada. The bitch won�t connect for anything. So I thought to myself, now what the fuck am I going to do? Cause if I can�t get on the internet every day of my life, I will surely shrivel up and die.

Then it hit me...

Ogod, I�m gonna have to call� tech support!

Dun dun DUN!

I picked up my cell phone, hands trembling, and dialed the online support phone number so conveniently placed on the CD upgrade envelope under the big �HAVE QUESTIONS?� heading that also says, �we�re here to help.� Yeah, you�re there to help, alright. Suggestion? If you make your damn upgrade CD a little more user friendly, maybe you wouldn�t need all those fucking numbers on the package. But hey, at least they put�em on there, so I will save this envelope for all eternity since there is absolutely NOWHERE on my ISP�s site that lists any kind of phone number for you to call to avoid all the dead end online help links that are no help at all. Maybe someday �help� will be chapter 3 in Kiwi�s book of �Tech Help for every day people, written by Dummies.�

So, after stating that I would like to proceed in English, that I have a PC and not a MAC and promising my first born child in exchange for technical assistance, I am finally placed on hold to wait for a customer service representative. First, I get a recording that says the tech support division is experiencing higher than normal call volume. Um, do they ever experience a normal call volume? I don�t think so. I�m guessing the call volume is always at an ungodly level because your support system sucks ass. Or maybe Manessa is doing her coworkers nails at this time and a rep will get to me as soon as the polish dries. So I wait.

Now I�m groovin to the signature ISP muzak through my cell phone, which is smashed between my ear and my shoulder while I type. Oh. My. God. It�s not even the regular signature ISP muzak. It�s souped up muzak with guitars and some chick humming. Now, would you admit to anyone who asked you what you did for a living that you composed ISP or elevator muzak? You should be shot dead where you stand, you sorry excuse for a musician. Your mother apparently never had to call for tech support, cause she should have given you up in exchange for something worthwhile. Unlike tech support, I mean. Someone should make THEM listen to the muzak from hell.

Just when I thought I couldn�t bear it anymore, I heard the muzak stop abruptly as a rep finally picked up my call. I cringed and braced myself for the voice on the other end of the line and thought to myself, if it�s Manessa? I�m hanging up. And I gotta say, off topic I know, but don�t wireless phones really take the pleasure out of slamming a phone down on someone? Remember, back in the day when you KNEW someone hung up on you with passion? When you heard, SCREW YOU! (CRASH, SLAM!) Now it�s, SCREW YOU! (blip.) There is no satisfaction there, I can tell you that.

The voice from beyond greeted me. It was a guy named Matt, and I�ve got to say, I don�t think he was participating in the office manicure party because he was actually really helpful to me. We went through a bunch of WhateverInternetSettings tests, and finally figured out the problem. See, when you go through the steps of the upgrade, there is a page that asks you if you either, #1 already have an internet connection, username and password and don�t need to set up a new one, or #2 don�t have a current internet connection and need to establish a new account. I already had an account, so I just needed to install the upgrade so I could use my new and improved upgraded ISP account with the user name and password I already had set up on my old account, so I clicked on option #1..

Alas, that was not the option I should have chosen. See, what they really meant by the first option was not that you already have an account, but that you already have a connection- LAN or a constant broadband connection that�s constantly connected or some kind of crap like that. The second option meant, instead of setting up a brand new account, that you needed to reconfigure your old account and set it up with the new ISP version. Matt informed me that this had been a problem for a lot of people. OK, upgrades are supposed to be easier to understand and take care of stupid shit like this. New and improved, my ass.

I finished setting up my information and finally established an internet connection on my own. Goodie, goodie! With my head tilted to the right because I still had the damn crink in my neck, I surfed my happy little heart out, so very glad to once again be connected to my online world, because god forbid I have to turn around from my desk and clean my hellhole of a house or something. Now if only I had a flyswatter handy for that pretty little insect I�m still hoping is gonna fly out of my monitor.

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