Kiwi... Unleashed!

Somehow, whenever I search for �help� on any given website, help is the one thing I don�t get. FAQ sections typically list only the questions asked most frequently by total morons. What about those of us who have a clue and have more in-depth questions? Apparently, no one considered the fact that some of the people who use the internet might actually want some shred of an explanation for our queries. There are a very few exceptions, of course, one of which is TelevisionWithoutPity.com which actually has worthwhile and amusing �FAQ�s� and �all your stupid questions answered here� sections.

My personal favorite experience is the fruitless attempt to receive any assistance through the �contact us� feature, hoping to email the site moderators with my inquiry. I recently tried to do this at the homepage of my ISP. There was a list of FAQ�s for morons there, but nothing that would help me at all. So I clicked on �contact us,� hoping to find an email addy. Where do I end up? Back at the same damned page of FAQ�s. After trying various options, I finally got to the section where I could either email the ISP, (which would take a couple days, and I want my answer now, dammit!) call the ISP via telephone (and sit on hold for 20 minutes? I don�t think so) or enter an online chat with a technical �representative.� Representative being the operative word there, since they seem to merely represent the actual technically inclined people, who I believe are sitting in a break room somewhere eating donuts and surfing porn sites in between interruptions by the reps to answer my questions.

The following is a recap of my most recent experience. I will call my internet service provider �ISP.� The names have somewhat been changed to protect myself, as well as the stupid ISP people who don�t really deserve it but could piss and moan if they somehow ended up reading my smart ass commentary (in parentheses.)

Question: I need to know how to install and use my current ISP account on a laptop, and if I would be able to use it if I travel overseas.

(Simple question, don�t you think? This shouldn�t take long. Heh.)

( Kiwi has joined )

( Manessa has joined )

Manessa: Hello Kiwi. Thank you for using ISP Interactive Online Support. My name is Manessa, and I will be your Online Technical Support Engineer.

Kiwi: Hi. Thanks (Oh goodie. WTF kind of name is Manessa, anyway? Did you have a sex change or are you a drag queen?) (Mind you, I have nothing against drag queens- don�t get yer panties in a bunch- it was only for the humor.)

Kiwi: I'm looking into getting a laptop to use when I travel, usually only a state or two away. Would I use my original installation ISP disk? I don't want to accidentally set up a second account- just use the one I already pay for.

Manessa: It is my pleasure assisting you this evening. Please confirm that this (insert my email here) the email account you use to sign-in and connect to ISP. Are you using ISP version blah blah blah to connect to the Internet?

Kiwi: Yes. (Um, Manessa? Are you an actual person? AI? Droid? Cause ya sort of sound a tad automated to me. And yes, if my email is blah @ ISP.com, chances are I am using ISP as my internet provider.)

Manessa: Please allow me a moment to verify the status of your email account.

Kiwi: ok ty (And why exactly do you need to do that to tell me if I can use your internet service overseas? Do I have to have a secret club membership and decoder ring to ask a general question that isn�t about my personal account information?)

(Now like, 5 minutes goes by. I�m guessing Manessa is doing her nails, so I got out my polish remover and took the polish off mine while I was waiting.)

Manessa: Thank you for waiting. I have verified that your account is active and existing. If you have ISP version blah blah blah installed on your computer and use your existing Internet Access Account (my [email protected]) on the sign-up, you can add dialing locations on your ISP program to be able to connect from anywhere. You can only generate local access numbers on the US region for your account, otherwise, it will be considered long distance.

(No shit, Manessa. I know I can add additional locations within the US region. Did you read my question? Because I specifically stated that I was �looking into getting a laptop,� and that I needed to know how to install my ISP, and whether or not I can use it overseas. Overseas applying to areas outside the US. That also means my ISP is not on my computer yet, which is why I asked how the fuck to get it on there in the first place.)

Kiwi: Ah ok. I understand that I can add dialing locations, but when I get the laptop, internet access won't be installed on it yet. (Duh.) How do I install ISP so that I can use my account? Do I download it or use my original installation disk? (Ya know, like I asked 10 minutes ago?)

(Another 1-2 minutes goes by. Either Manessa needed a potty-break here, or she types at the speed of a slug.)

Manessa: You can either install ISP using your installation disk or download from the web. For you to have Internet Access on your laptop without using an ISP program, you need to establish a manual connection. Before I send you the steps on how to establish a manual connection, please confirm if you are using Windows ME operating system.

Kiwi:Yes, on my home computer I am- I don't know what I'll end up with when I get the laptop. (I don�t have the fucking laptop yet, so I don�t know what version of Windows I�ll end up with- this is my HOME computer, as I�ve said more than once before, you dumbass.)

Kiwi. I�ll probably will use windows ME with that as well. (I decided to add this comment, as not to further confuse Manessa.)

(OK, now another 3-4 minutes goes by. I�m guessing Manessa needed another coat of nail polish here, so I fixed myself a drink.)

Manessa: To establish a manual connection on Windows ME for your laptop, please follow these steps: (She then, over the next 3-4 minutes, gave me a set of instructions on how to do this. The instructions were actually very good, but I�m guessing she typed it in since it took her so damned long to give me 19 different things to click. Apparently Manessa is cut-and-paste-retarded.)

Manessa: Do you have questions or clarifications regarding the 19 steps I have provided?

Kiwi: I don't think so. Thanks for your help! (20 minutes later, but at least I eventually got an answer.)

Manessa: You are very welcome. You should be able to use Internet Explorer (blue 'e' icon) as browser after performing the steps I have sent you. By the way, you may download ISP version blah blah blah from this site: (she listed the site here.)

Manessa: Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Kiwi: Nope. Thanks again!

Manessa: The pleasure is all mine. Here at ISP your comments are greatly appreciated. When our chat is finished, please take a moment to fill out the survey that appears in a separate window. Thank you for your ideas and suggestions.

Manessa: Goodbye and have a great evening.

Kiwi: Will do. Thanks- you too. (Oh, you�re damned right I�m gonna fill it out. Ya want my opinion, huh? You got it- just don�t go thanking me in advance like that before you read my input.)

Manessa: I hope that you have found our session today regarding how to establish a manual connection on Windows ME helpful. For your convenience and future reference, your ticket number is *****, and you will receive by e-mail a detailed transcript of our chat, including all site links. Thank you for using ISP Interactive Online Technical Support. We are available 24 hours, 7 days a week. If you need further assistance, please come back and visit us again.

Kiwi: k (Uh oh- they got her- Manessa�s inner droid took over and she went automated on me again. I�m now picturing all the ISP technical employees slowly walking up to her desk saying, �you will be assimilated, Manessa of Borg. Resistance is Futile.�)

Well, I�ll give Manessa a little credit- she was very polite and she did finally give me an answer to the questions I had, after what, 25 minutes or so? Gotta love the speed of the internet. (I wasn�t too hard on them in the survey.) Thanks for your help Manessa, and for providing me with my next Diaryland entry. Ciao.

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