Kiwi... Unleashed!

During my two week vacation in Wales, I was fortunate enough to see a lot of beautiful places and learn a lot of things. I also got to spend time with family members I rarely get to see. They taught me a few family recipes, showed me photographs of some relatives I�ve never met and shared some family history. I learned that two and a half year old boys should be confined to specifically designed living quarters (see Procreation Motivation, Revisited) and that slow moving, elderly people will invariably park themselves in the most inconvenient of places, such as doorways, in front of the refrigerator and at the one seat at the dinner table that the large majority of family members will have to squeeze around in order to get to the other chairs. I also learned one of the most precious lessons that everyone should know. I learned how to shit like a man.

I grew up in my house as an only child with my mother. A few years ago, I lived at my father�s house while I was looking for a place to buy, which I did last February. Now I am used to living alone. I eat at my computer desk. I walk around my house without wearing a bra. I am free to go to the bathroom with the door wide open and shower at any particular time of day. Small conveniences, they seemed, until I had to live in a big house with six to nine other people (depending on who was visiting) for two weeks.

Whenever I wanted a break from the action, or just plain wanted a break from the family, I had to rack my brain for possibilities of what to do before I started screaming, �Serenity now!� like Frank Constanza. One can only take so many �fresh air� or �after meal� walks before the rest of the family starts wondering where the hell you go. Somehow, in such situations, when you want a moment of peace to yourself there will invariably be someone in the room in which you want to read, lying across the couch on which you want to lounge, or parked at the table at which you�d like to sit quietly with a cup of tea. Thus, I quickly learned the only place where one can find absolute privacy- there will never be someone sharing the room in which you want to shit.

Have you ever seen a man (or woman- this is a pastime everyone should enjoy) disappear into the bathroom, only to emerge an ungodly length of time later? I�m not referring to teenage-type �magazine bathroom visits� here. I�m talking about the times you see a man who doesn�t read for pleasure march into the john like he�s on a mission, with a novel the size of a small stepstool that he finishes in a matter of a couple days. Wonder what it is that drives him to alienate himself from the rest of the household as if he has intermittent leprosy? I can name that tune in one note- peace.

When you are perched on the throne, no one is going to walk in on you, ask you for anything, hand you something to do or expect your immediate attention. It is the one time that you can have a moment to yourself without interruption. It may prompt the suggestion of laxatives from your significant other, but that�s about it. I never knew how much I could look forward to taking (or pretending to take) a dump, or how much happiness it could bring to grab a book and waltz off to the bathroom. Sometimes quality time and alone time are one in the same.

So if you have a desire to get away from it all for a bit, forget about escaping to an island or other such vacation spot- I�d like to invite you to share in this most priceless of getaways you can experience every day. Have any reading material you�d like to tackle, crossword puzzles you�d like to finish or deep thoughts you�d like to compose? Have a seat, my friend, and cherish the moment.

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