Kiwi... Unleashed!

So, let�s entertain the frightening thought of me someday deciding to start a family. Of course, that requires actually finding someone with whom I can envision this happening. I just don�t have the strong motivation to do that at this point in my life. Someone asked me once, �don�t you want to find your other half?� My response was, �I�m a whole person by myself!� The way I see it is, if I�m not happy without a significant other in my life, there�s something wrong with my life that I need to fix before I share it with someone else. Sure, having someone is nice, I just don�t see it as a requirement for a happy life.

I figure by the time I decide to find someone and start a family, I�ll be going through menopause anyway, so that�ll take care of the offspring issue and will narrow my goals to just finding a mate. I�ll most likely have very little time left to find him, so I�ll have to resort to using my creative resources and chose from the leftover men in my immediate vicinity. I�ll probably have to look for some old man who lives in my compound of �assisted living� who doesn�t quite move as fast with his walker as I do with mine, and either knock him down or step on his oxygen tubing. �Hey there, old fella- ya wanna sneek down to the nurses station with me and steal some oatmeal cookies? Oh, too much fiber? Alright then, maybe we could� Ouch! You�re stepping on my breast!� OK, maybe that�s not such a hot idea.

Suppose I did make the decision to procreate while I�m still of childbearing age. Although I think pregnancy would be a fascinating experience, it has its downfalls as well. Puking my guts out before I have to be at work at 7:30am, that is, if I was able to make it into work, is not exactly my idea of fun. It would lend the ability of blaming my smaller paycheck on my mate and child at a later date, but it�s not one of those retorts out of which you get much mileage. Some people don�t get sick during their pregnancies, or suffer from multiple ailments that expecting mothers often do, but I�m pretty sure I wouldn�t be one of them. I think feeling some alien thing moving inside me would be enough to make me toss my cookies at any given moment.

So lets say I made it through pregnancy, and after threatening or paying the doctor off to give me extra drugs and a scheduled c-section with general anesthesia, I bring home a baby- assuming it�s one baby, as I am the type who would decide to have �just one� and end up with quintuplets. I�ve had a kitten for 3 months I haven�t yet named, and seeing as you have to name the baby before leaving the hospital, this would be a problem. I don�t think I�d know how to name a human baby- I�ve only ever had pets to name. I can just see the little ID bracelet on my baby in the nursery reading �Fluffy� or �Spike.� In addition to picking a first name, most people chose a middle name as well- there I�d be at a total loss for ideas.

Before leaving the hospital, I�d have to get all the necessary information on what to do with the baby, as I would have no clue. How often do you feed them, in what environmentally safe manner do you dispose of the toxic waste they expel, how old do they have to be before starting paper training and flea prevention products, etc. Every mother I know would end up scrambling to check the caller ID in hopes of avoiding me. Or move. Or sign up for the witness protection program. This is why I couldn�t be a single parent- I�d need a mate to help with the baby just so I could have some time to do research to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do in various situations. He could also make a few phone calls himself to con the parents we knew into answering the phone.

I actually have had some ideas of my own about simplifying child-rearing of which I�m pretty proud. I�d have a room in my house that had a plexiglass baby gate for easy viewing and slightly, inwardly sloping linoleum flooring with a drain in the middle of the room to allow hosing it down. That way, I could put a blanket and soft toys down and leave it in there to crawl around and do whatever it is babies do. and not have to worry about it falling down stairs, getting lost in the house or suffering multiple injuries leading to my eventual conviction of child abuse. It would also allow me to be able to take naps, as I�m sure I�d need them. My house would be full of audio and video monitors until my child left the nest to eliminate running back and forth to peer into it�s room or wondering what it was doing.

Decorating would be another task. I have enjoyed watching my friends plan and decorate their babies� rooms. They�ve picked out a variety of very nice themes, including painting, putting up borders and stenciling the walls. I think I�d have a little more trouble narrowing down my choices. I moved into my condo a little over a year ago, and I still have piles of paint chips in every room and rolls of border waiting to be hung. People spend a great deal of time deciding how to decorate the room where their baby will sleep, and I wonder what the babies think of their rooms, if they even care. I guess I�d have to find some cute or pretty baby sort of theme for my child�s room. I�d most definitely need help with that, since I don�t think my idea of decorating my child�s room with the Utter Zoo Alphabet, Ghashlycrumb Tinies and other various Edward Gorey illustrations would necessarily be the best choice.

I realize that the time would come when I�d have to let it out of its room, at which point I�d add invisible fencing and a welded-on shock collar. In its room I�d add dry-erase board three feet up one wall, and magnet, cork and chalk boards on other walls so that it could amuse itself when it was old enough to use those sort of things. Those little word magnets that some people have on their refrigerators are a must as well- they are educational and entertaining for children and adults. Except when you laugh your ass off while creating rude phrases and sentences on the refrigerator in the house where you are pet sitting and forget to mix them up again before you leave.

Eventually, during the warmer months, I�d get one of those kid Habitrails that they have at fast food restaurants to put in the back yard. Those, I think, are one of the greatest inventions for children ever, and I�m sure the person who invented the original version for hamsters was pretty miffed, having not expanded his or her idea in the beginning. They are the perfect playground for kids. You know where your children are, and you can create a complex, colorful labrynth for them to explore while keeping them out of harms way. I could stick the kids out there, lock the hatch, throw food and water into the �dwelling box� and hose it down as needed. Some people might find it offensive that I would suggest such a thing. To them I say, keep your opinion to yourself and take your rugrats to Discovery Zone for the afternoon. At least you won�t find any pieces of broken glass or syringes full of heroin in the pool of brightly colored balls at my house.

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