Kiwi... Unleashed!

Have you ever been engaged in a conversation that is so painful it never seems to end? It amazes me how some people can talk endlessly about absolutely nothing, and can take 20 minutes to tell a story you could tell in 2 minutes. When you encounter such people, you find yourself wondering about their lives. How lonely is this poor person� doesn�t he/she have anyone to talk to� why do people like this never get laryngitis� etc. So you make the fatal mistake of choosing to humor them and allow them to begin what you think will be an unnecessary but short-lived discussion.

I have been unfortunate enough to be involved in such conversations- the ones in which you listen for a short bit, trying to be nice and appear amused and interested. Mistake #1- if you give an inch, they take a mile. The brief subject you think will probably be contained to a few minutes ends up dragging on like a political debate, only without a shred of worthwhile content. Of course, that can be true of political debates as well, but they at least have potential.

As the conversation continues, your mind starts to wander. What do I need to buy at the grocery store� what will I wear to work tomorrow� how many dimples are there in a golf ball� etc. Looking into the speaker�s eyes becomes difficult, so you look at the spot between them to avoid the blank stare which has overcome you. Mistake #2- continuing to tolerate the senseless gibberish allows the speaker to prolong the suffering.

Then the pain begins to set in. Your eyes start to burn from staring at the speaker�s head without blinking and you must break the visual focus, so you glance around the room. What a nice plant that is over in the corner� I wonder who painted that picture� would it be rude if I sipped that cup of coffee on the table to help me stay awake in my time of need� etc.

By this time the imminent suffering has set in, full force, and in addition to noticing the things in the room to which you would never have normally paid attention, you start to case the area for blunt objects, engaging in fantasies which, in any other situation, would make you feel guilty. You do, however, enjoy them and will remember them fondly in the aftermath of your pain.

The one way conversation at this point has become so intolerable even Mother Theresa would excuse herself and head straight to confession. Thus, you search your throbbing head for an excuse, any excuse, to end the mindless drivel and exit the premises as quickly as your numb body will allow. Mistake #3- you have departed on good terms with the speaker, perhaps in guilty reaction to the enjoyment of the fantasies, which opens the door for further insufferable pseudo-conversations at future encounters.

You then, over the next few days, go over in your mind all the possible ways to avoid crossing paths and enduring the excruciating process yet again. Unfortunately, and far to often, the person is someone you know and will regrettably see again. Even worse than the original torturous event, you must now stomach the fact that you will be tortured again another day. This is the sad fate you accept by allowing yourself to engage in a painful conversation.

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